1. It has absolutely no storyline. You go around doing missions for gangs, most of which (obviously) consist of driving. But there is honestly no plausible plot WHATSOEVER. You don’t earn money, you don’t get shit. You just unlock other parts of the city (GTA IV ripoff) and you unlock a bunch of side missions that are absolutely and utterly worthless. I’ve yet to complete a single side mission and I’m nearly complete with the game.
2. Everything in the game is completely forgettable. The music, the scenery, the characters, the story, the vehicles, the mechanics, the entire God forsaken thing. This game is a complete GTA IV knockoff. What GTA accomplished almost flawlessly, this game falls flat on its fucking face. The developers tried to make Barcelona a thriving area to interest the player, but it does nothing for the game. Granted it’s nicely rendered and designed but GTA IV had memorable landmarks. You could drive through the city so much to the point that you could travel to locations without even using the map. You could say to your friends “hey, remember that building?” and they’ll know exactly which building in the entire city that you’re referring to. GTA IV was memorable in nearly every aspect. This game is like its porn star brother who does films in his basement. The one that the parents shunned years ago due to his career choice.
3. The driving is a jerky mess. Driving is by no means intuitive. It’s tolerable but you can’t hold the joystick to a slight degree to smooth out your turns and to stay on the road. It’s either one extreme or the other. There’s never any happy medium. It’s annoying. The end.
4. The melee and firing mechanics vaguely resemble GTA IV (hey, imagine that) but again, they fail miserably. Fighting enemies on foot is a fucking yawn fest. Red dot after red dot on your radar, you mow enemies down with ease. They’ve never a challenge throughout the entire game. The gun assortment is nothing special either. If anything you’re grabbing the largest gun so you can get this crapfest portion of the game over faster and get back into a vehicle.
5. The missions are annoying. Oh for the love of God, the missions. Where do I begin? The missions are simple: Get the fastest vehicle and airjack and/or destroy the target at hand. There are variations of this of course, like… nevermind. The missions drive me absolutely insane. They’re fun for a while but after you’re doing the same mission over for the 1,000th time because of how ridiculously hard or annoying they are, beating them becomes a requirement and the fun is now completely drained. You’re trying to complete it so that you can move onto the next, and probably more annoying, mission. It’s like the game designers thought of the most annoying pitfalls of previous video games and raveled them all into the missions. I’ll give you a good example: I’m on a mission right now where you have to chase this guy named Che down with your motorcycle. Che is driving a runaway subway car full of enemies and your mission is to disconnect the cars attached to the engine car that Che is driving, get in front of the final car and shoot him a billion times (in the face!!!!!) in order to stop him. Sounds fun, right? Well, it is, to a degree. While you’re trying to do all of this you’re trying to avoid going down the wrong tunnel because if you do, you’re completely fucked; trying to avoid the GIANT BOMBARDMENT of enemies firing out of the windows of the subway cars you’re trying to disconnect; dodging motorcyclists and cars in the subway that are trying to thwart your chances of disconnecting the cars and killing Che; and trying to preserve the motorcycle you’re on because having it get wrecked is the end of the line for you. *takes a breather*
6. The side missions aren’t even worth bothering with. Seriously, if the main missions are completely annoying, why are you going to subject yourself to even more of the same shit? You don’t get anything worthwhile for completing them. Sure, you can unlock weapons caches and other things, but who the hell cars? You can pick up guns from the enemies you easily murder in melee mode during missions, so why the hell are you going to go out of your way to get the weapons caches?
7. It’s $39.99 (as of July 2009)
   
8. It’s glitchy. It’s like the Midway and Ubisoft teams had no budget for testing or quality control. I don’t even want to get in depth with this so here are some blaring examples: 1.) I was on a mission and my car was nearly at its end. So I quickly bailed while slightly moving and my car hit a set of tables with umbrellas. I got stuck between my destroyed car and umbrella and was unable to get out. Luckily an enemy came and killed me. 2.) If you’re driving really fast and you hit the Y button to jump out of your car like you would in GTA IV, sometimes Vin will just appear in a standing position where the car was and the car will continue to coast forward.
9. Nobody can die except who the game dictates. It’s virtually impossible to kill the police and pedestrians. I mean, not that I’m some sadistic bastard, but if I plow over a police officer with a semi truck and he gets up like nothing happened, then it makes the game even more unrealistic. How does this happen? How does the company that created Mortal Kombat (one of the bloodiest games ever) make a game where nobody can die? Example: You can use car melee attacks on cop cars, destroy them and then when it shows the slow motion replay of the cop car getting demolished, you can see the cops fly out and then magically get up like nothing happened. If you try to run pedestrians over or shoot them, nothing happens. They run away and yell things in Spanish.
10. The AI is flatout dumb. It’s horrendous. When you’re in melee mode the enemies don’t even hide. They stand in one place and fire at you or they run right at you in a blaze of glory. The AI in vehicles isn’t so bad but there’s nothing to that. Enemies in cars pull up next to you and try to shoot or ram you.

So there you have it. 10 reasons not to play Wheelman for the Xbox 360, or any console for that matter. Don’t get me wrong, the game has some fun aspects to it when you’re looking for mindless entertainment, but don’t play this game expecting some sort of indepth storyline or amazing weaponry. This game lacks in both departments, and pretty much every other department there is.

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No, I will not buy a PS3

I swear, I get this crap constantly.

You should get a PS3, LOLZ SONY FTW.

Yeah, I should invest my money into yet another console. That’s a brilliant idea. I can only name like 3 games that I’d buy for the PS3 and once beaten, all of them are worthless–and yet I have 20 Xbox 360 games, all of which I love and play. No, but thank you.

Faulty for faulty

I’m tempted to do the deed and just get it over with but after reading a few blog entries and forum posts across the interweb, I’m skeptical about sending my console out to Microsoft for repair. See, Microsoft is cute about their repair. You’re not guaranteed a brand new replacement console. You MIGHT get a new console if you’re lucky, but chances are you’re going to either get a refurb or you’re gonna get an early model; which was proven to have faulty hardware from the starting gate. You’re taking a risk either way. I’ve even read about people getting their “repaired” console, only to have it RROD once again. Fucking cheap bastards.

You know what’s really sad? I’ve had this thing over 2 years and that’s actually considered good. I have a Sega Game Gear that still works flawlessly. Do you know when I got that Game Gear? 1991. Amazing.

Bite the bullet?

As much as I cringe when I look at the price of a brand spanking new Xbox 360, I almost feel safer buying new than I do sending this paperweight to Microsoft for “repair”. I don’t want to send this thing out only to receive some older model or a refurb. That just seems like bad business ethics to me but everyone knows Microsoft just plain doesn’t give a fuck. They’ve proven that repeatedly. I know. I’m a web developer who has tackled IE issues for years.

Opinions welcome. I can either spring and get the Elite for 400 bucks, the Pro with the 60gb hard drive for 300 bucks or I can send this shitbox to Microsoft for repair–which will cost me 106 bucks because the stupid thing is out of warranty. Either way, it sounds like I’m screwed. I guess it just depends on how bad I want to get screwed (which is not at fucking all, thank you very much.)

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